How can you tell if you are in post-Soviet Union?

Normally I post my own writings here but I just could not resist this hillarious post by Carpetblogger. "How Can I Tell If I am In Crapistan?". I prefer not use the word "Crap" for the countries that I currently make business with but (excluding Baltic States) all post-Soviet Union countries may adhere to this list. Examine the list carefully, since it may give you a hint about what you will face (if you already have not)

Do passengers applaud after the plane lands?

Do passengers jump out of their seats just after the plane touches down (before the applause, even), grab their bags from the bins and run toward the front? (There is an inverse relationship between the likelihood passengers do this and the importance of the activities those passengers are rushing off the plane to get started doing.)

Are most bags on the carousel swathed in high-tension plastic wrap or held together with packing string? (Again, there is an inverse relationship between the amount of plastic wrap used and the value of the bags' contents.)

Can you see any signs, advertisements or instructions written in Cyrillic, even though you are in a country that does not use the Cyrillic alphabet? (But! It is axiomatic that if you are in a country that uses Cyrillic, you are in Crapistan. Don't even try to argue otherwise because you are wrong.)

Are you struck by the talent of local (Chinese!) designers in the medium of Bedazzling?

Pointy shoes. On men (that's sort of a gimme -- if you can't recognize this, you probably aren't ready for Crapistan). Shiny suits, too.

Do you see more than ten people carrying rainbow-colored "Rave Girl" plastic shopping bags?

Is Nescafe marketed as a superior alternative to coffee?

Can you buy beer in sidewalk kiosks? In the morning?

Do you fear for your safety? Crapistan is not particularly violent. The biggest danger is becoming collateral damage in a bar fight over prostitutes.

Is the Duty Free shop cash-only?

Turks in Ukraine, Part 4

I have seen this obscure hotel-cafe in Evpatoria, Crimea (which happens to be a part of Ukraine but acts like in Russia)

Meet CAFE PRYATNAYA VSTRECHA (~Pleasant Meeting), where pure Ukrainian beauty meets hot Azerbaidjani spice with silky Turkish hospitality.

GOOD NEWS!

Although Turkish Invasion is a non-profit entity with minimal backing from the funds of the Ministry of Culture of the Republic of Moldova, Dinc hereby presents his first discount for his loyal readers:

The owner of Pryatnaya Vstrecha will be glad to offer you a %7 discount with a pint of beer diluted with Black Sea water and an additional +4% discount if you are a good looking woman ,or you are with one, when you tell him that you are a fan of Turkish Invasion.

...and also please don't forget to add 50 hrivnas to the bill for the pistachios we forgot to pay for last time and drink responsibly, don't insult any locals and if you do...run.

Yes, We Spik English

"There is no debate that English is the global language that will serve you well in any country for any of your basic and survival needs; however things get a little messy when you end up in a country where not only the language is weird but the alphabet looks like it was created by a clown on acid" said one of my associates when he first landed in Ukraine some time ago.

For a russian speaker (with a hint of Ukrainian in it), I sometimes tend to overlook the joy of public communication in post soviet union and the agony that the non-speakers suffer. This suffering is alleviated by the "legendary" hospitality of the natives, some of whom owe this hospitability to their lack of language skills. They simply cannot reply back because they cannot understand English or they simply do not care about you (this includes the front line service personnel whose main job definition is the "care" for the customer)

But hopefully there is some awakening through the new generation who lived their pre-adolescence with a soviet passport and a pioneer badge; but had enough youth left after 1990 to reap the benefits of the newcoming capitalism. Since there are tourists and expats who have money to spend lavishly, they should deserve some care and here comes the notorious sign "Yes We Speak English" on the doors to some high street pharmacies and bootleg DVD stores. The former is a good sign for a non-russian speaking person on the urgency for a drug but the latter also works fine when you end up chatting for an hour with a ukrainian guy with a receding hairline who had his post-doctoral dissertation on French New Age Cinema but ended up selling pirate DVDs in a forgotten corner of a shady supermarket in Kiev.

But don't take this as an upheaval of the age long brutality of soviet customer service, it is just a minor breakthrough. Still don't believe me? Check out these gems I have collected...still more to come

This sign is up on The Minsk Airport walls for months, WELCOMing us to the slavic wonderland

The radiation shelter-cum-internet cafe in Kiev

No wonder this place is our favourite lunchtime hideout in Kiev...it is the only place to grab some decent food in 20 miles!

When you come to Kiev, try Cabbage Salad with "Green"...

Kiev Nightlife (by Popular Demand)

I have received many positive and equally derogatory comments and mails after my testament against the sex tourism in Kiev and I think it is high time I paid my homage to the normal tourists and expats who have the best intentions to visit Kiev (for the churches, crumbling apartments and stinking Dnyeper beaches). This list is not, of course, a complete list of clubs because I am getting old and not a nightlife expert (anymore though), I also come to Kiev often but with a loaded business calendar (that would make Erich Koch's seem like a weekend trip) and hardly have energy to go back to my flat.

First of all, I knowingly disregard the gentlemen's clubs (or strip bars as you may call it anywhere else except Moscow and Kiev) because I am not a fan of this kind of entertainment and one can find a deep down analysis on the back of the "tourist" guides distributed democratically in the airport.

The first club of mention is Arena and it is conveniently located at the third floor of the entertainment complex of the same name. Normally an overpriced but interestingly affordable venue famous for its beers and its location in Mandarin Plaza, the very center of the city near Bessarabsky Market overlooking the newly defaced Lenin Statue on the crossing of Khreschatyk and Tarasa Schevchenko avenues. Arena is almost packed on Friday and Thursday and the packing material varies from prostitutes to the lost expats, the prices of drinks are over average and face control is said to have denied entry to many which verifies the aimless crowd wandering in the Mandarin Plaza terrace inside. It usually hosts guest DJs that you may never have heard if you don't spend your early teenhood in an industrial backyard off Arkhangelsk but the bpm is kept relatively high in direct relation with the prices.

Barsky, a chic neighbor overlooking the entrance of Arena, is a club that was hiding itself from the hordes of tourists last year but this year seems to have come to senses to steal some of the rich customers of Arena by live dancers near its entrance which is practicalyy 6 floors down. Past the face control there is a lift ride to a flavishly decorated club, which suggests that the owner of the club is either Russian or has been brainwashed somewhere deep in the Arabian desert. Another suggestion of the decoration with expensive looking gold and jewel clad furniture is also the pricing (though below Russian chic standarts) which is the highest in Kiev among its standarts. Be prepared to pay a 120 UAH for a cocktail and meet a lot of women with varying standarts of dignity and self-shame. The patrons of this club are (told to be) celebrities and debutantes so it may be a bad destination for a place to observe local entertainment. I have even witnessed a live vocal performance to a DJ set, which still denies my musical perceptive capabilities...if I have studied music theory, I would definitely find a term for this but I can sum up by saying that it was awful and equally absurd.

The Mandarin Plaza, view from Krasnaya Armeyskaya (Red Army)Street. Veterans of Red Army should still be sobbing to see this gigantic monument to capitalism rose in the center of Kiev.

Interior of Barsky

From the terrace of Barsky, watching the city sleep. I have met a bunch of "celebrities" there who welcomed and enjoyed my indifference to their celebrity-status

Patipa, a club with a weird name, is located at the other end of Khreschatyk and near the Dynamo Stadium. The proximity to the stadium should not deceive the reader because this club is a curious hybrid of all chic-wannabe clubs and a kindergarten. I personally think that a club should be personalised with its style of music so I don't usually go to clubs that host different kinds of music every other night. Patipa is a good example of such clubs which my partner-in-crime Jon would call "calenbars (short of calendar bars)". Every wednesday is a "Diskoteka 80-x" party where you can enjoy a delicate mix of soviet pop and europop of 90s (which I adore since the dark days of Moscow). The next day is a RNB party and dont go there unless you have a masters degree on slavic rap (some of my colleagues still have a curse on me for inviting them to Patipa on a Thursday night...what a mistake). Fridays and Saturdays are packed with a groovy crowd and the music choice varies from Tarkan to Tiesto.

Patipa Dancefloor...where all disco filth of Kiev accumulates

Another club is the notorious Decadence situated somewhere in the center on Shota Rustaveli Street. It is practically an expensive restaurant which surprisingly has a small dancefloor compared to its competitiors but this place has a flavour that invites almost all expats and locals with high paychecks to this place like flies to a streetlamp. I would definitely advise to networkers to dwell into this club on weekends to collect some business cards (if they can stand the drujm beating music, drunk millionaires and their equally sober golddigger girlfriends who seem like teleported from Milano Fashion Week seconds ago). Decadence is rumored to have the strictest face control policy (Check my facecontrol issue about Moscow) but any business suit or a ballroom dress would guarantee a way in and this attire would not flash in the club since everyone is dressed accordingly. The drinks are overpriced (just like Barsky) but I can say that they are also not watered down as expected.

Looks can be deceiving: This lavish restaurant becomes a decadence house where sinners are the winners

Avalon, a highly advertised multi-storied entertainment complex, houses a casino, a restaurant, a kalyan-bar (simply a floor full of cushions and a lot of hookah smoke) and two-story bar with a giant casette player decoration on the disco wall. It surprisingly gets full on even weekdays after 2 am and the crowd is a mixed one, ranging from Turkish "engineering" students (who cannot even speak Russian though they are "studying" there foır 2 years) to post office girls celebrating a birthday. The drinks are not expensive but the music is always a weird mix of soviet pop to Britney Spears.

Let's not overexaggerate the talents of DJs

Other clubs that I know of are Caribbean Club (advised to all mehikano-latino looking guys to dance salsa with local middle aged enthusiasts), Tsar Project (an obscure chic club near the Water Museum in Marijnskiy Park)and Hidrozone in the scary Hydropark area. Nobody advises to go to Hidrozone but it is still on the night club lists.

Funny?

Note: Turkish Invasion strongly suggets you eat your vegetables, get some fresh air, go to bed early and stay out of drugs, alcohol and any other misconduct thet the former two may bring in Kiev.

Is Kiev safe?

Yes...

Although one of my friends somehow was attacked almost a year ago by some drunkards, I can say that Kiev is 99% safe ( I leave some error margin though...you never know what will happen in a city where people drink beer for breakfast).

The thing that made me say this is my 3 consecutive nights' walk through the city center and the path included a lot of semi-lit or total dark parks...thanks to my guide who insistingly told me that she would say "beat him; not me" to the attackers in case of a brawl.

Thank you anyway...

"It is all Turks' fault"

Anna Gutsol, 24, is a Ukrainian girl who has masterminded one of the most hillarious protests in Kiev so far (the best was the Orange Revolution). As you may remember from my early post, a group of Ukrainian student girls have come to senses and displayed a vivid protest against the already decades long process of the transformation of Ukraine into a nearshore brother for Europe. Our awe to this event was doubled when some of the girls were photographed carrying banners in Turkish with "Ukraine is not a Brothel".

Now Gutsol strikes back with another headline in gazeta.ua with a more concerted attack to Turkish "sex tourists" who come to Kiev for some "cultural upgrade" (comparing Istanbul or any other Anatolian city to Kiev or Moscow would be simply cruel to the latter in an artistic,cultural or city planning way) and get a "physical relaxation" as a welcome gift. 

She also added that the Turks come in groups of 40-50 (which we officially call a "morale tour for business partners") and crammed up in a post-soviet hotel and wait for a bus-load of prostitutes. The funnier thing is that those "tourists" then get drunk and wander around Khreschatyk disturbing the passing by women. I honestly think that Italians are bit more better in this street talking though..

Trip to Kiev. All Inclusive (4 Days 5 Nights) 499€..."All" inclusive?

However, let me say that it is all true...but please let's write this "tourist" thing off. Those guys are not tourists (as you all understood so far). 

Let me clarify how this "morale" thing works:

Nearly all companies working with sales quotas and regional sales teams in Turkey prefer not to pay incentives in hard cash (for tax evasion) but in some travel package to a preferrably nearby and masculinely attractive place (because it is Turkey and everything must be masculine) so that it creates an urge in those medieval minded sales personnel to meet up the quotas and earn a ticket. So do not expect a trip to Acropolis or Pyramids but think of places where the guys can fly far enough from their black haired and ugly wifes or girlfriends and their over-conservative quasi-islamic routine but near enough to return back to their football and fatty food in a couple of days. 

A photo worth thousand words: Practical Russian Speaking Guide for Turks on display with condoms

So Ukraine is the best fit for a "morale trip" and a bunch of guys from the far corners of Anatolia who have gallantly met their sales quotas of refrigerators are grouped and promised a valhalla where blonde and virgin angels will be waiting for them on the cotton clouds. Regarding that many are already pumped with prejudices that all Ukrainians (or Russsians as they still think the two are the same country anyway) are natıural born prostitutes who are positively keen on cheating their husbands with those "goodlooking" mediterranean hunks  even though the husband is there with them on the scene. So the expectations reach a sky high as the planes fly over the Black Sea and almost every notion of Anatolian life is left behind, wedding rings concealed and the first acts of teasing starts with the stewardess and continues with the marble faced passport officer ladies (I have seen some crazy guıys nearly deported while trying to flirt with the most dangerous women on Earth -Ukrainian Passport Guard). 

A typical Turkish culture tourist to Kiev

The guys pay no attention or never offered a city tour or some cannot dare to go out of the lobby (because they are threatened that the police rounds up black haired guys on the street and ask for a bribe..which is partly true anyway). The rest is obvious..they never leave the hotel and generously pay for what they have come for (even more than they would pay to a Ukrainian expat prostitute back home..even the double price). The funny thing is that the majority of them return home loaded with cheap vodka and start calling their friends' mobiles: Each and every story includes an open-minded orgy with a blonde, redhead and a brunette and a blonde in reserve and of course it is not )and never) paid for, since our guy (although looking like a rhino) has the killing looks that beamed those girls from the street (not even the club) instantly to bed. And another wave of guys start their next day with hopes of securing their seat on the next plane for the "morale trip" to Kiev, Yalta or Odessa. I pity on them...

Kiev...then and now (Part 2)

After the smiling concierge of Premier Palace Hotel told me about it a year ago, I have quickly became an avid visitor to Andriivsky Vspusk (Andreevskiy Descent...or The Tourist Hill, as I call it) in Kiev. I was perfectly sure that the concierge, who could immediately start modeling on any European runway, would have preferred her share in my probable purchase of overpriced antiques in the hotel souvernir shop, she eventually gave in and told me that I could find some "rubbish" there, especially at the lower end of the hill.

Although uncomparable to Moscow's Izmaylovsky, Andriivsky offers a mediocre selection to the Soviet-relic hunters like me. From all those stalls selling worthless souvenirs and petty artwork, I can only recommend the stall manned by two brothers who can both be over-interested and marblefaced depending on their vodka consumption or mood at that time of day. They have countless soviet and german medals and other already rusting relics on their stall and I cannot say that it is cheap and don't ever bargain i,f they have their beercans on the stall. 

Another good bargain can be made with an old man at the end of the hill who speacializes in old newspapers and communist journals. I am sure that nobody was interested in those yellow journals than me, since he was so happy to see me dwelling between his archives on the floor. I bought a Pravda (meaning Truth, the newspaper of the Soviet Union) and an Ogonyok (meaning Little Flame, an illustrated soviet journal abouty everything and nothing) and he gave me a lot of things as a gift, including the old photo below. 

I did not hesitate to walk up the hill (equal to a day in the gym in cardiovascular means) and walked back through the Volodymirska Street to Sofiyska Ploschad where this photo was taken roughly 50 years ago. Here is what it seems like now...a bit different?

The Return of Decimetercube

For cyrillophobes, it is 0,5 DM3 (L)

Is this only in Ukraine? It is the first time I see a decimetercube sign on a consumer package...it looks like a chemical equation though.

Hello Moldova!

Once a Russian friend recalled Moldovans as "Romanians who think they are Russians" (He also has another deeply moving analogy about Greeks: "Turks who think they are Italians"). 

So now that the Europe's poorest country (The glorious Republic of Moldova) makes the headlines again with the revolts that ultimately sacked the parliament. Before, it was always the Transnistrians, who seceded, waged a separatist civil war and kept the Europe's only quasi-communist Russian-backed dictatorship and their never ending dispute with Moldovan mainland alive (reminds me of Georgia and Abkhazia which is also gently supported and pet by Russia).

The flag of Moldova..or the flag of Romania(see below) with an emblem 

Moldova (or roughly, Bessarabia) used to be a frontier post of Ottoman Empire (The "Evil" Turks) but enjoyed a political autonomy by paying taxes and sending beautiful girls fto the Sultans (they still do the latter) until Mother Russia appeared at the gates and Moldova eventually became the doormat it needed to brush her boots before she poured down the Ottoman Balkanland to the ultimate objective of warm ports.  It was annexed by Russians and stayed right through the way of attacking, retreating and reattacking armies during most of its contemporary history and met an ultimate destruction at the end of WW2. 

The Coat of Arms of Moldovan Soviet Socialist Republic...notice the grapes below

Then came the formation of Moldovan Soviet Socialist Republic (MSSR) and the soviets poured a lot of roubles in rebuilding Chisinau (Kishinew) and also a lot of Russification by changing the Moldovan alphabet into Cryllic and social engineering the population by decreasing the majority of Romanians in the MSSR, that is the very essence of the troubles of Transnistria today, where the majority of the populatian are Slavic in contrast to the rest of Moldova (which is roughly 75% Romanian). Leonid Brezhnev who used to be the party boss in MSSR then rose to be the premier of USSR and you can understand how those roubles were allocated by the way he ran USSR years later (his administration pushed USSR to bankruptcy) 

The breakaway Transdnestrian region..only acknowledged by Russia and candidate for the worst shaped country ever.

The flag of Transdnestria...it is not a joke. They still use those symbols there (or don't have a TV)

Romanians are the majority in Moldova

Boring Information: There is also a Orthodox Christian Gagauz minority in Moldova (which we in Turkey claim them as Turkish brethren and can speak in a better Turkish than many Azerbaidjani can do)  which may be of interest to some of my readers.

So we can say that Moldova is another confused nation just like Ukraine, where the national identity was also suppressed, many roaming armies and the eventual Soviet occupation and ultimate shift to market economies left deep marks in the nation. This caused the polarisation to the West or Russia. It means that nobody believes that a Moldovan or Ukrainian identity can save the country from the current troubles, only the helping hand of West/US or the iron grip of Russia (a longing for USSR) can. Therefore the internal politics cannot (or would not) focus on the real problems but create politics of fear and retribution about losing the country's autonomy or unity (reminds me of another country...hmmm). 

"Yevropeans, save us from the evil reign of kommunists and let us in so that we can cheat the welfare system and enjoy unemployment benefits without ever working"

"Mircea, take this chair to my mum, she will love to see a new piece of furniture in years"

Damaged buildings in Moldova will be repaired using state funds designated for universities at which [some of] the protesters are students...this is so Turkish!

The latest "Twitter Revolution" in Moldova can be similar to Ukrainian Orange Revolution but actually it is not; because nobody cares about Moldovan nation than they do about the Moldovan wines in their cellars. In Ukraine it is different; Ukraine is Russia's soft belly and owns the outlets of gas, the main moneypot of Russia. So you own Ukraine and you deliver a serious blow to Russia; but if you own Moldova...you own nothing but a bunch of "Romanians who thought they were Russians, then changed their mind and wanted to be independent Moldovans and then made up their minds that they are better off being Romenians in the EU so that their girlfriends would not be forced to prostitution in Turkey"

The "Failing" State

Is it really happening? Most of Ukraine must be missing Soviet years I guess (Not the ones that I meet in Kiev though) 

There are even discussians in academic-economic scenes that Ukraine has to abandon her national currency (The mighty Ghghhryvna) and accept Euro (or Yevra as it is called in post-Soviet Union) instead. I am no economist and never did good in both academic and personal economy in my life, I can say that dollarisation/euroisation never works (it did not in Turkey)

...and still, the politicians are just so busy looting the already crippled economy. Reminds me of another country...hmmm

Police...

I stumbled upon this photo on a web site about East Germany (I know I became a bit addicted to East German (DDR) stuff after my visit to Berlin.)

If the German title "Das Gute Buch-" is cropped, the photo below could be very similar to a daily street scene in Russia or Ukraine: Police checking documents and a shaking citizen waiting for the outcome (bribe or potential incarceration or both)...the funny thing is that is (was) in East Germany.

Totalitarian states needed (and still need) those thugs to keep the population in control...

Wrap-Up and a recent encounter with Ukrainian State

Unfortunately the ever rising business load, painful aerospace delays and non-virtual socializing habits have deterred me from posting; but let me summarize what has happened since I have last posted something on this blog. 

After almost 2 years, I have been asked for documents and eventually taken to a police station in a post-soviet country. Actually, I am frequently asked for documents because of my "Southern Caucasus" looks but this time I have forgotten to take my passport with me (which can make you eligible for summary execution inversely proportional to the amount of money in your wallet). I have been giving solid advices to travellers and fellow invaders about the importance of carrying a passport preferrably with a neat amount of money for "donation to the police force" but there is always an error in human factors (or this is what we have been taught in university). 

So I have taken the liberty of this error to go out on a friday night in Kiev with my colleague for a dinner without a passport or any identity document that is acceptable in soviet standards. On our way back, a bunch of crack police toorps crammed in a semi-armored troop carrier stationed on a pavement on Kreschatyk Street (the very center of Kiev) hurled out fully armed and asked for our documents while showing a fake salute. My colleague with his more European looks, asking "What's going on here?" and a passport in his hand was not a good prey for these underpaid securty personnel but I with Southern Caucasian looks (aka Black Hair), accented Russian and no passport, was a perfect candidate. Implying that we were coming back from a dinner (on Kreschatyk) was also a clear indication that we had some spare money for a "donation". Every sensible attempt to make them understand that I had a legitimate passport with a year-long business visa and the document in question laid in our apartment just a block away was no cure for their unquenched desire for hosting me in a nearby police station to show me about the unsurpassed quality of Ukrainian security system.

Eventually, my colleague was dismissed and ran to the flat to fetch the documents but I was already tucked in the troop carrier with almost half of the Kievan police (militsiya) at 2am, driving to the station surprisingly just a block away in a familiar direction (actually making it adjacent to our apartment). I was ordered out and treated somehow like a normal citizen would be in a normal civilized country (I admit that I was not expecting a Guantanamo though). As they understood that I am not an Armenian immigrant-cum-trader that is looking for some drug-addict Ukrainian teenage girl to force to prostitution in a far away European country, one of them asked me what we have been eating and drinking that night and even tried to smell my breath to check the amount of vodka I have consumed (I didn't drink that day and if i did, vodka would not be my choice). His colleagues jokingly agreed that I had downed a half-bottle (palu-butilichki) vodka with the testing guy's facial expression when he came near my face (I guess it was rather my new Armani perfume, which also keeps Ukrainian girls away from me). The one who seemed like a sergeant or an officer was busy scribbling on a brownish dirty piece of paper (which had the same texture as an american toilet paper) was asking my name, what it meant in Turkish, my sexual orientation and how many girlfriends I have in Kiev, wrote down these essential details in his makeshift report and handed out to me to sign just as my colleague entered the station with my passport with him. I tried to read the handed report (consisting of a hieroglyphic ukrainian handwriting stating that "I have forgotten my passport at home, went out and committed a shameful crime. I am sorry deeply and will not do that again". 

I signed with a fake signature and gathered the contents of my wallet which had been a funny material for the rest of the crew for some time (they enjoyed my driving licence and tried to read the latin scripts or making funny noises while trying). As we walked away to the exit, the sergeant yelled " Hey Turk, you have been dining today, drinking today. What about us? Why don't we dine and drink too?" which can be translated as "Hey filthy Turk! Give us some money so that we can but cheap vodka (industrial defreezing agent) and salo (pork fat) or I can make sure that I can devise a thousand more crimes that you have committed in the last 15 minutes of your existence". I gave a covert signal to my colleague to stay away a bit, since he was carrying a well packed 100 US dollar notes on him and moved forward to show my already well combed wallet with just 32 hryvnas (4$) in it. "This is all I have , officer" and left the money on a nearby desk without trying to look on  their disappointed figures. All we needed to do was just to take 15 steps to go to our flat. If I was alone with noone to bring back my passport and just 32 hryvnas on me, I would be locked down in a flea infested cell just 15 steps out of my flat and my passport. Sometimes I am lucky indeed.

So never NEVER step out without a passport in Ukraine and Russia (or any post-soviet state)

Note: Turklish Invasion denounces any attempt to bribe the glorious and couregous servicemen of the Ukrainian and Russian security personnel. All money given by Dinc are willing and voluntary donations to make the already perfect system a perfect example for their European counterparts.

Partners in Crime

The Russian Prime Minister-cum-Tsar Putin has announced that Ukraine is "in a state of pre-bankruptcy" during a meeting with Russian miners from Novokuznetsk (somewhere deep in Russia where they simply do mining).

Putin: "Let's see those noncomformist, separatist, corrupt Ukrainians suffer"

He also added that Russsia will be more symphathetic to Ukraine with the delayed debts from gas and added "You cannot finish off a partner"...I think he meant "You cannot finish off an enemy...You should wait and watch him suffer"

So here is another crazy bailout idea for Ukraine that we have found during a recent business session about our ill-fated investments in the country: 

Divide the country in half. (Easier said than done though)

Even the flag has two colors...

Integrate Eastern Ukraine to Russian Federation as a semi-independent republic (like Tatarstan). The Western Ukraine would be the Republic of Ruthenia with its capital Lvov (Lviv) and incorporated into European Union. The soviet heritage gas pipeline would be watched over and cared after by an international consortium of stakeholders and would not be a nuisance anymore. Everybody would be happy...

No comment

Boring Information: Although the term "Ruthenia" refers to as wider area in Central Europe where Slavs lived (and still living), it was used for a longer time than "Ukraine" by Ukrainians as a reference to their homeland.

Note: Turkish Invasion supports the unity of all countries, especially in the ones that Dinc has business interests.

Dinc suggests Anna Reid's "Borderland" for a thorough understanding of Ukraine

Ukraine...default anyone?

I guess some countries are doomed for failure at the end. No matter how much enthusiasm is pumped into Ukraine and regardless of the ever growng numbers of German SUVs on Kievan alleys, Ukraine has simply lost half of what it is worth in a couple of months. This is the bitter truth...

One can blame the global economic crisis that has been ravaging from the US of A to the post-Soviet Union with a harsh scorched earth policy, but the very essence of this hard blow to the fragile Ukrainian economy lies beneath the governmental politics of Ukraine that has already become a textbook definiton of corruption by itself. The new "Orange" elite has done a good job to get rid of the soviet "old guards" from the office and chease them off to Russia where they and their generations of relatives can live off their siphoned money from Ukrainian treasury.

The battered public who really couldn't adapt to a life without state subsidized and increasingly long queued for dairy products, welcomed them as saviours and cheered when euros flowed like the river Rhein when British pilots busted the dams in 1945. The banks, most of whom had already been swallowed by "Yevropeyskiys" were lending like crazy and people with triple digit incomes would be dreaming about the last time they would polish industrial dust from their old Zaporozhets. The rest is history in the making: The orange elite were actually the last generation of entrepreneurs who would start the day with Komsomol hymns and sleep off with McDonalds commercials in their best dreams. The old allies fell into a public vendetta and politics became (one again) an arena where power games would open more doors and loads of money to steal without shame.

The effect of the economic crisis is, of course, undeniably like a major Japanese earthquake to the Ukraine, a mere shabby old brick and mortar building. The local currency, the mighty Hrivna, which was pegged to USD until May 2008 was suddenly let go and reached record highs. intantly. This inevitably damaged the export-dependent economy but the worst was to come when the prime output of Ukraine, "the steel of Donbass" was no longer the eyecandy of the construction contractors around the world. Hrivna was almost halved in a month and massive layoffs left almost a million unemployed in the Russian speaking industrial heartland of East Ukraine where a deep resentment to pro-Ukrainian policies of the capital has already been growing with a vengeance.

So today, there seems no united political will in Ukraine and not a single voice about the increasingly necessary precautions against the economic crisis. The orange elite is experiencing its lowest popularity levels but there are sporadic-to-none demonstrations in Kiev contradicting the Soros-fueled coloured revolution years ago.

Although Ukraine is recently graded as "not safe for investment" by a couple of institutions, in my opinion, it will hardly be a case where all foreign direct investment that has deep dug in the country will simply fly out. The reason is the importance of where Ukraine is situated: a vanguard (or frontier) of Europe and one of the last beeding wounds of the Mother Russia with which the West can mess with. Russia will never let go of Ukraine (at least the Eastern half) without a good fight and keeping a united, strong but controllable and seemingly anti-Russian Ukraine will be a better weapon than Nato ever was and ever will be for the West. Station nuclear missiles in Poland and Russia will be answering with double of that in Belarus; but entitle some money-laundering and brainwashed fool in Ukrainian politics and he/she will be a headache for Kremlin for consecutive nights.

As a summary, it is painfully clear that Ukraine will suffer heavy blows by the crisis and lose most of its hard earned bucks but how it will end up when the dust setlles down is still unclear since it is getting hard to read between the lines of European and American attitudes to Eastern European powergames and a direct confrontation with Russia when they are already bogged down in their own financial turmoils.

The Gas Post

No,I didn't wait until the crisis was resolved...I knew it already that it would "somehow" be solved with Ukrainians and Russians signing an agreement to deter the gas deadlock for a year (when it gets cold in Kiev again)

So let me summarize what this is all about as short as I can.

A few decades ago Ukraine and Russia as we know today belonged to a single country, a federation that we knew (and feared) as Soviet Union. (Sorry for repeating this trivia all along since I still get email questions about if Ukraine is a region in Russia) Soviet Union critically relied on the massive supplies of oil and gas to sell abroad to patch its massive budget deficits to carry on. The major buyer was (and still is) Europe and the shortest path to lay pipes from the sources in Siberia and Central Asia was via Ukrainin Soviet Socialist Republic. Nearly all pipeline network and other technical infrastructure was built in that region of Soviet Union. Everybody was happy in Moscow that they were selling the natural gas from the fields in the forgotten realms of frozen Siberia to the European industry.

The already crumbling economy of the country couldn't be patched anymore by energy based funds because the hardline communist politics urged the decision makers to send paychecks to every communist-wannabe guerilla team of 3 or more armed barefoot militia around the world (when the soviet citizens themselves were waiting in queues for bread). The country collapsed and every soviet republic tailored its own flag and carried on to independence (Boring Information: Only Belarus' new flag is almost the same as its soviet era design (minus the hammer and sickle)).

At first, the bosses in Moscow (who were actually the same cadre but now rebranded as democratic and liberal) were sighing for relief as their Ukrainian counterparts paid their homage to them and ruled Ukraine not very different than The Chuvash Republic (a republic inside Russia). The pipeline of money to Europe was safe as long as the valves inside the Ukrainian borders were in reliable hands.

The patrons to those valves in question were to change dramatically as USA and Europe pumped hard cash to Ukraine to break it apart from the virtual union with its slavic cousins and fabricate a chronic headache maker for the up and coming Russia. Nobody wanted a Cold War Episode 2 in the West and Ukraine was the closest and easiest t0 deploy weapon they had to Russia and Ukraine had a lot of revolutionary wannabes inside for collaboration.

Here are the sides of this deal:

UKRAINE

So what does Ukraine want out of their annual showdown with Russia?

Simple...use the only logical weapon they have against the Big Bear, who discreetly want a big chunk out of Ukraine (the Eastern Ukraine) or a reliable puppet government as loyal as their soviet viceroys decades ago. Shut off the valves and the Mother Russia will go broke...

What are they expecting out of this deal?

Urging the gas-struck Europe to retaliate with a vengeance to Russia and get the most out of that catfight (in cash and political support)

Can they win?

No. If Ukraine doesn't ant to be razed for the third time between the disputes between Europeans and Russians, it must side with Russians for good (to get plenty of cheap gas, fuel and Russian tourists to Black Sea resorts)

EUROPE

What do they want out of the deal?

They want the gas flowing cheap and without Ukraine sipping their share out of it. From foundries in german steelworks to gourmet kitchens in french cafes, they need that gas...badly

What can they do to achieve that?

They can get in a serious row with Russia to force him pour in more gas to the pipeline while still acknowledging that Ukraine will be pirating or get an allied effort with Russia to build an alternative pipeline through a less disputed land which is preferably not governed by a group of people that is not even fit to govern a south american banana republic.

RUSSIA

What does Mother Russia want?

Sell its gas (even the Turkmen gas) to Europe and continue buying overpriced drinks in Moscow posh clubs.

How can they do that?

Urge Europe to create a new pipeline. Since building new things, especially a pipeline, costs a lot of hard earned Euros which Europeans are too frugal to pay, some events must force the European public opinion from sick cockroaches in Indonesian jungles to the actual reality that they don't have any gas left to heat their TV dinners to watch documentaries about cockroaches. So shut off the valve, let Ukrainians shiver a bit and then siphon the European share of the gas in the pipeline.

They are acting according this script for a couple of years and I guess the Europeans have already started laying a pipeline across the Baltic Sea (as possibly away from any Ukrainian as possible). Guess who is supervising this project: Gerhard Schröder, the ex-chancellor of Germany, the prime buyer of Russian gas.

Let's wait a bit and see the Ukrainians turn their lonely eyes to Europeans when their gas is shut off for good from the Russian side...that time Europeans will not share their endless pity with them (just like they didn't during the Holodomor)

No gas?

Are you in Europe right now? Take good care of the remaining gas because you will be freezing soon...

A Turkish Invasion Special on Gas coming soon...

Holodomor

...or maybe you would like to know more.

Yugo..or You Go

Interesting...I am now sitting in a cafe in Ankara where I have come with my team for some daily business trip, I have noticed a Yugo on the street...

Introducing the same old commie sh*t

For those who do not share my enthusiasm for machines of communism, Yugo is the signature car produced in Yugoslavia (not the one that exist today as the loose federation of Serbia and Krajina) but the big and glorious one that ceased to exist almost 15 years ago with a ot of bloodshed). The difference with other ones is that Yugoslavia was not a part of Soviet dominated pole of the world bu the non-aligned coalition, so although it was a socialist state, it could market its products (including Yugo's) in Western markets and earn substantial revenues to keep the living standards much higher than its communist cousins in the Eastern Europe.

Yugo is no better than Lada but seems to have a soul of its own. Someday a working Yugo will be an addition to my soviet car fleet...

Pimp my You-Go

..ah and I have to remind you that last weekend it was the memorial day for Holodomor. Check back what I have written about one of the worst man-made disaster in the history. No wonder why the city was decorated with many banners that inscribed "Ukraine Remembers...and THE WORLD KNOWS"

...do you really know?

Where is Dinc?

I have been away from all forms of social life lately since we were bogged down with a schedule as tight as Ukraine's budget. A lot of business offers, new projects, launch events and parties...etc

All through these weeks of non existent cyber activity, I have been a part of ping-pong schedule between Kiev and Istanbul and gathered a lot of soviet memorabilia, weight and experience. Even the girls at the reception in the Opera Hotel (to which I have been upgraded from the shabby daily flats which are heartbreaking central in downtown but smell of many numerous fellow travellers who have came to Kiev for some easy sex (but ended up paying twice for what they could easily get back at home) ) ask me if i would prefer to leave some stuff back in the room because I end up packing and unpacking every single week. I must have been looking really shabby after all.

As a designated traveller, I have excelled to squeeze a lot of clothing and stuff to a luggage that could fit on board (and here I praise my mother once again for lending me her beloved Samsonite microtraveller that is the best match for post-soviet luggage handling system - which is basically semi-drunk tadjik workers tossing the luggage to the nearest mobile carrying object).

Practice makes perfect: remembering the times when I had to think for hours about what to pack, I still laugh at the time when I have packed everything to smallest detail (from extra lenses to shoe polish) but forgot my suit just before an important networking event. As you all know, I had to buy a soviet suit (made from %76 industrial nylon and %23 unidentified radioactive material) and drag my friend all along the Kreschatyk in search for a tailor to fit the one-size-fits-all suit to acceptable posture.

By the way, I am considering a getaway to Moscow for the new year...Hey Chris! what is new?

Also check out the website (although in Turkish) of Ethem Eldem, whom I have met last week in the launch of our new operations center in Kiev. It seems that he has been travelling a lot...

Democracy is...

This is what the guys at sevastopol.su think...By the way, .su is the Soviet Union web domain (wish I had one)...Sevastopol is the disputed home of the Russian Black Sea Fleet and a predominantly Russian city in the middle of the Crimean Republic in the Ukrainian Republic (sounds odd to me). We unfortunately missed to visit the city on our Invasion Crimea 2008 tour with Mr. Saim Refig this summer but promised to drop by next year before Kazantip 2009.

Democracy is the taming of idiots