They keep on trying and I keep on posting...

Although it is a bit old story, I recently caught up with it and yeas I enjoyed to the last bit of the story. It is about a new model of Lada (as you all know is one of my all-time industrial mass production disasters) but this time Putin gets to experience the epitome of Russian manufacturing first hand.

Putin: Dear comrade, what is the inspiration for "Granta"?

Factory Manager Comrade: Simple. We wanted to make a "automobile-non-grata" then named it as "Granta"

Putin: Cool. Does it work?

Factory Manager Comrade: Hell yeah it does...but it is 5000 euros!

Putin: Cool....but you are fired!

Ex-Factory Manager Comrade: Why?!

Putin: I want it cheaper...do I look like I give a damn if that works or not? Russian people need to keep their technical stills sharp and make their cars in workable condition. I call that "Rule of Technical Preparedness". Remind me to include that in the constitution next year, will you.

The 58-year-old prime minister has traditionally gone out of his way to plug the struggling Russian brand and with it his own patriotic credentials. He owns a military-style Lada jeep, and last summer drove a canary yellow Lada across Russia's Far East on a heavily publicised road trip.

But his latest stunt backfired badly when he got behind the wheel of a new Lada Granta and tried and for a long time failed to start the engine.

Video footage of the incident on Wednesday showed Mr Putin anxiously trying to start the brand new cherry-coloured Lada but failing to do so at least five times.

Reporters on the scene, at the Lada factory in the Russian town of Togliatti, said Mr Putin had also struggled to open the car's boot, and that at least two executives had to get involved to help him.

Wearing sunglasses and casually dressed in a shirt and a sports jacket, Mr Putin pronounced himself satisfied with the Lada Granta nonetheless, calling it "a good car".

Conceding it had been a struggle to start its engine, he blamed himself, saying he had pressed down on the accelerator too sharply because he had not known that the car was fitted with an electronic accelerator that needed to be only gently pressed.

The new car, that will cost the equivalent of less than £5,000 to buy when it is released later this year, is being touted as "the people's car" that millions of Russian motorists have been waiting for. Mr Putin has adopted a noticeably more public profile in recent weeks, fuelling speculation that he is seriously considering running for the Russian presidency next March.

(http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/8507482/Vladimir-Putins-Lada-stunt-backfires.html)

Everyone knows that a Lada, though fresh from the assembly line, is never a "complete" car. My fellow invaders who have bough these machines, out of pure fiscal misery or masochism-a-la-turca, pointed out to the fact that the cost of a Lada easily gets doubled on its painful evolution from a mobile piece of crap to an automobile look-alike. It is rumored that there is an industry, on comparably same financial size of Lada factories combined, that is producing replacable parts for Lada automobiles, mostly the ones that the hapless drivers have in vision such as dashboards, clutch pedals and gear sticks. That is also an answer why "no Lada is like another"...some ultra patriotic and hopelessly drunk Russian friends compare that analogy to a handmade Ferrari but the resemblance is in words only.

Putin: Very nice ride...reminds me of my Trabant days in East Berlin

New Factory Manager Comrade: Mr.Prime Minister, I have prepared new plans to build station wagonsand sport coupes out of this model. Our Russian youth shall beam to their dachas with this delightful car and will be proud of their heritage!

Putin: Yeah! Down with western consumerism!...But you are fired!

New Ex-Factory Manager Comrade: Why?!

Putin: I hate the color

Newest Factory Manager Comrade: But sir, you chose it...

Putin: You are fired too!

Updates on Russian Automotive Industry

It seems that I have been away from the most thriving Russian industry after beer, the Automotive. Now the Volga has a new look (good news for middle aged Georgian taxi cab drivers..if any left after the latest war) and Russians now has a racing car to call their own.

GAZ (Gorky Automobile Factory) may lose its G (because the city "Gorky" has retrieved its historic name of Nizhny Novgorod after the dissolution of Soviet Union and the inevitable demise of Maxim Gorky) but still touches the G-spot of eccentric Russian car enthusiasts by another line of Volga car. This time the tradition of shameless industrial espionage continues with a touch of "partnerships" with the once-evil capitalists and the Russians are still exploited with obsolete American designs.

"Comrade Putin, this is the space ship bumper design that we have been working for the last 13 years"
"Space race is no fun...Find an old American car and fit this bumper. Market it as our own car. "
"You are a genious..."
"Tell me about it"

The glorious GAZ-Chrysler partnership is proud to introduce the new Volga, Siber. Notice how similar to the old Chrysler Sebring? Because it is the "same" car...just with a decade difference

Volga Siber 2008...

...and Chrysler Sebring 2001. Any difference?

One can produce a racing car and even can win trophies with it; but branding is an art for itself. I am not a professional in this field but personally think that the name Marussia would not be the name of the supercar that I would fit into my garage one day Maybe the rappers on the American West Coast may like the way it is spelled: "Get yer hendz off Ma Russia, b*tch!"

At least someone in Russia knows the true order of the tri-colors.

Looks like a Bugatti Veyron...but at least not a carbon copy as Voga Siber

More Lada fun...

Even Lada needs a crash test dummy...

Yugo..or You Go

Interesting...I am now sitting in a cafe in Ankara where I have come with my team for some daily business trip, I have noticed a Yugo on the street...

Introducing the same old commie sh*t

For those who do not share my enthusiasm for machines of communism, Yugo is the signature car produced in Yugoslavia (not the one that exist today as the loose federation of Serbia and Krajina) but the big and glorious one that ceased to exist almost 15 years ago with a ot of bloodshed). The difference with other ones is that Yugoslavia was not a part of Soviet dominated pole of the world bu the non-aligned coalition, so although it was a socialist state, it could market its products (including Yugo's) in Western markets and earn substantial revenues to keep the living standards much higher than its communist cousins in the Eastern Europe.

Yugo is no better than Lada but seems to have a soul of its own. Someday a working Yugo will be an addition to my soviet car fleet...

Pimp my You-Go

..ah and I have to remind you that last weekend it was the memorial day for Holodomor. Check back what I have written about one of the worst man-made disaster in the history. No wonder why the city was decorated with many banners that inscribed "Ukraine Remembers...and THE WORLD KNOWS"

...do you really know?

Oka

So you think that the mighty Soviet Nation (that have sent men to space easier than from Moscow to Vladivostok) could only produce Lada or Volga as automobiles? Unfortunately you are wrong. As one of the pillars of Cold War, the absolute communist answer to everything capitalistic, there had to be an equivalent to Volkswagen Beetle (or Fiat 600) as an easily affordable means of transportation for every soviet citizen.

Salute to 80's Soviet fashion and Oka

The Oka car was based on a highly unpopular Ukrainian predecessor "Zaporozhets" (which had nickname "Zapor" with a meaning of constipation in Russian). In 1988 a new concept car was designed on a Daihatsu Cuore chassis and had an engine that is technically the half of what a normal Lada has:750cc with 2-cylinders...like many contemporary racing motorbikes.

It can even run on water from Moscow River since it has more combustible material than the fuel sold in Turkey

Its design deliberately lacked any luxury elements and a safety package since it was designed to be an inner city car which would transport 4 comrades from factories to houses and back comfortably.

A gathering of Soviet Automotive Industry

Although the expectations from soviet city car engineering (after the distasteful experiment of Zapor)was low, Oka was an instant hit and a sudden dream material for every young soviet engineer.

Oka in front of Moscow State University

The name of the car comes from the Oka river in central Russia where all two factories building that car were situated. The design and the safety standards haven't much improved in coming years and the car is now seen as the ground zero for automotion on Russian streets. Many of the Oka drivers jokingly inscribe капсюль смерти (Death Capsule) on the back of their cars as Oka is not any safer than a Chinese motorbike.

Oka Interior

Simple robust soviet design

In Moscow, Oka cars are widely used by pizza delivery (since it is basically warmer than driving a bike in winter) and only a handful of enthusiasts remain who continue driving this car (Many Russians prefer taking easy bank loans and drive luxury SUVs instead). The price of a new Oka is around 3500$.

How many Russian girls can fit in a Oka?

The best answer is 11

.

SOVIET ADS FROM THE 80'S

I didn't know that they had TV ads in USSR...anyway, it is worse than what we had in Turkey back in the 80's. Especially the bearded guy with Miami Vice shades in the Bolshevichka Clothing Factory ad (where three KGB agents posed valiantly in different communist suits) freaked me out. I now realise why we were afraid of these guys then.

Volga

So you thought that the only machines Soviets built were Ladas and Tanks, but indeed they also had a superior brand called "Volga", named after the biggest river in Europe (and also the farthest frontier the Germans ever could reach on their Barbarossa campaign).

Symbol of the GAZ factory: The Communist Gazelle

It all began when Ford Company of USA and Soviet Union built a joint production factory in 1929 (yes, they were friends then) combining the tools and know-how of american automobile industry and the supreme communist labor in Nijniy Novgorod, the city which was renamed later to Gorky. The GAZ factory (Gorsky Avtomobilniy Zavod / Gorky Automobile Factory) had its first products on military vehicles and some experimental models based on Ford vehicles already in sale in USA. (One of them was maybe the first passenger car with a all-terrain chassis.)

Another communist victory: The world's first passenger 4x4, GAZ-61

After WWII, they started building an upscale passenger model and named it Pobeda (Victory) after their devastating victory against Germans. The Pobeda line was highly appraised by the party officials (nomenklatura) as it allowed a showcase of their distinctive lifestyle from the common comrade citizen. As the common comrade would wait for years for a Lada, they would get their cool "Volgas".

Proud GAZ Pobeda posing near the Moscow River

GAZ Volga Coupe, Krushchev's favourite ride (The photo was taken in Red Square, with GUM store in the back)

Volga is still produced and (strangely) imported abroad. It isn't now a symbol of the elite but a symbol of a cheap taxi ride around Moscow. It is also a street joke that only the people of Caucasian origin (which isn't always a good thing in semi-racist atmosphere of Slavic Russia) buy Volga.

Supplying the Warshaw Pact with monstrous trucks...

As with fading demand and ancient technology, it is announced that the GAZ factory will once again cooperate with Americans and start building Dodge Stratus models.

The latest GAZ Volga sedan (GAZ-31105), a Lada in a Mercedes outift

I have first experienced Volga's in my trip to Ukraine and was fairly shocked by the dimensions of a soviet automobile; it resembled my father's first Mercedes 1980s. It had a backseat larger than my current sofa and the car could carry 6 people (excl. the driver). The newer models have more aerodynamic notes and an eventual cheaper feel.

From an era when ergonomics wasn't a science but a joke

I have driven a 2001 Volga once in the outskirts of Moscow and it definitely felt like driving a T-34 tank(I also did that); the gearbox requires a spartan force and no need to say that the wheel isn't hydraulic (a feature that has been presented in even Chinese cars now). The owner, a good friend of mine, also had a Lexus and kept the Volga for carrying tools to his Dacha remont. He added that Volga was the only car in the World that needed a major visit to service on its first ride out of the factory. (Rumors say that some Volga's even cannot move out of the assemply line to the factory test field and there has been big thefts from the assembly line, where the local villagers witnessed semi-finished cars being carried on trucks to oblivion)

Another common scene from the Moscow neighborhoods...people trying to fix their Volgas

That is why there are no original Volgas on the streets; every owner puts his own touch to the design while the car gets a repair in the garages.

The previous version of the Volga...strangely resembles Volvos of the 70s

I also come across a neighbor of mine, whom I only meet on the parking lot on sunday mornings, is trying endlessly to repair the Volga by himself but I don't think that he has managed to move the beast yet, since he also bought another car (Damn, everybody has a car in Moscow...but I am still in a love & hate relationship with the Metro)

Another best seller from GAZ, the GAZelle

Boring Information:

As the USSR didn't need to brand each car they produced (calling Lada to every machine would suit the communist needs...), they had a numbering system to distinguish the different models produced. That is why you always come across soviet/russian cars like GAZ-31105 or VAZ-21063.

(from wikipedia)

According to this system the full model designation by the manufacturer's name (e.g. VAZ) and a model number (e.g. 2108). The first digit of the model number indicates the vehicle class. For passenger cars the engine capacity is used to determine the class:

First digit	Engine Capacity
1	up to 1200 cc
2	1200 cc - 1800 cc
3	1800 cc - 3200 cc
4	more than 3500 cc

For trucks weight is used:

First digit	Weight
1	up to 1200 kg
2	1200 kg - 2000 kg
3	2000 kg - 8000 kg
4	8000 kg - 14000 kg
5	14000 kg - 20000 kg
6	20000 kg - 40000 kg
7	more than 40000 kg

For buses length is used:

First digit	Length
2	Up to 5 m
3	6 - 7.5 m
4	8 - 9.5 m
5	10.5 - 12 m
6	more than 16 m

Second digit indicates the type of vehicle:

Second digit	Type of vehicle
1	passenger car
2	bus
3	truck
4	semi-trailer truck
5	dump truck
6	tank truck
7	van
8	reserved
9	special vehicle

The third and forth digits are used to assign a factory model number. The fifth digit is optional, and is used to specify different versions or modifications of the same model. The sixth digit is used to specify export variants.

Example:

VAZ-21063: A vehicle produced by VAZ, with an engine capacity between 1200 cc and 1800 cc (2), which is a passenger vehicle (1), with factory model code 06 (06) and modification 3 (3).

Fuel Economy in Russia

Let's see how much it costs for 1 gallon of fuel around the world and praise the prices in here

More on Lada

The thing that fascinated me in the Soviet World is that they have planned every aspect of the economy and production (not saying that they succeeded; but they did it somehow) and all effort was painstakingly shed to produce a counterpart for everything that existed in the capitalist hell. It can be clearly noticed with a closer look at the soviet (and many russian) produced items. "All produced in the homeland", nothing is exported. A friend of mine told me that the USSR only exported some precision machinery and computer chips from abroad. (Another conspiracy theory also states that it wasn't the american missiles but the computer revolution had undermined the mighty empire; it wouldn't compete with the uber-efficient western production with its rusty stalinist factories and the infamous communist efficiency..I told you a while ago that they cooled their homes by opening windows in -30...well, they still do)

-Look Masha! Communism is so close, i can feel it.
-Just get in the car and drive, idiot.

So one of the mighty answers to one of the marvels of capitalism, the individual transfer, was the production of soviet designed, produced and fueled automobiles. The rulers must have preferred the public transport (maybe because it is much more espionage-worthy to keep people bundled together) but the growing cities and the vastness of the country (it once span one-third of the Earth...really) had made the urge for automobiles...and thus came the Lada.

It is so hard to describe this machine, so we call it "Ajatelkaa Talvea - The thing that moves without eating grass" in Finland. Please check in for a free test drive on ice in the nearest Ajatelkaa Talvea Dealers in Helsinki.

With collaboration of the war-torn FIAT (and Palmiro Togliatti, the italian communist leader- oh, did you know that Italy would be a communist country unless Americans interfered with the elections? Think about how beautiful the world could be: Italians carrying the red banner in Milano and feasting with spagetti in the name of comrade Leeeenino) in pursuit to create something similar to the Volkswagen (the people's car) but they would never imagine that a legend was just yet to be born (they just intended to modify Fiat 124's to withstand Russian winter, that's all). (Boring Detail: The named the factory-city where ladas are built, Togliatti. The communists then had a tendency to name the cities after the leaders..Lenin-grad, Stalin-grad, Kalinin-grad. I would die to get my name in a city: Dincgrad)

Kruschev's favourite ride...Ladamousine. The capitalist pigs will be jeaolus!

The engine is supposed to be in the front..but you never know

I have supplied some information about Lada's before and many of you thought that the brand was to be buried in the dusty annals of automotive history.

The first Lada design team in 1982. They were later sent to Gulag for being traitors to the Socialist Design. They came back in 1989 to design more Ladas...

But Russia was quick to hold its one of the most beloved brands and hire some designers (after sticking to the prehistoric italian designs for 40 years) to create unique cars that doesn't look like any western car..at least they tried. Here are the new designs and concepts that we can see in Moscow streets soon:

Lada Peter the Great, Turbo Street Racer. The streets of Moscow will never be safe again...

Lada Aleksander Nevskiy, Cabriolet. This hot design will keep you warm.

Lada Rasputin Multivan. Keeping the legend alive

Lada Antel-2, the first ecologically safe device made in Russia. (after Chernobyl Nuclear Reactor)...nobody knows about the Antel-1 design. It was postponed after the chief designer spilled vodka on the master design.

Note: The lada in this article has no direct or indirect relations to the Russian superbrand лада. Every resemblance is purely fictional and comic in intent. Sue your designers; not me...

Taxis in Moscow

Here is an improvement in Russian transportation services: The drivers have started embossing the extra fares on the plate.

-"Step on the gas, Chief" 250R (~9$)
-"OK, Just ignore the red light" 500R (~18$)
-"Take me to the airport in 15 minutes" 1500R (~56$)
-"Let's take a ride around Moscow" 5000R (~188$)

Photo: Turkrus.com

Police Cars

I don't know if it is over-nationalism or just a burden of previous economic crisis; but nearly all of the cars allotted to the police force are either made in Turkey or some obsolete foreign ones (both of which are normally made for families with low transportation budget or slow joyrides). So the thieves or fugitives usually enjoy their supremacy on their getaways, until they crash into a roadblock or run out of gas. I have never witnessed a turkish car chase with such glamour like their american counterparts...

To serve and to protect (with obsolete Renaults)

Anyway, I have noticed a variety of odd cars in the moscowite police car pool (from good-old Ladas to Mercedes e200 saloons), but the guys at EnglishRussia.com has spotted a really cool scene...Russian police with Porsche Cayenne SUV chasing a Porsche Carrera!...it seems that eventually they got him nearby Kremlin..and another question..who rides a convertible in Moscow? it is already -15 outside

Hello Comrade, you have a nice car...but mine is better

Ladassistance

Now the proud owners of the LADA brand may enjoy the newest service...Ladassistance, If you experience a breakdown (and can't solve it by yourself) just call them and they will send their best and sober mechanics to solve the problem by the most modern way available in Soviet Union until 1977.

The Ladassistance Team on work

Not all...if the car cannot be repaired on site, it will be carried "gently" to a nearest garage for more sophisticated repairs in european standarts...(or left to rust in your back garden)

Our Chief Mechanic Yuri Gribakov, Hero of the Soviet Garage, proudly poses with the new full iron- cast Lada engine

Not all...you are given an alternative mean of transport untill your Lada is repaired and back to its brilliance again.

The latest addition to the fleet to help you reach your destination..and it is environmentally friendly (like all our cars)

DISCLAIMER: The LADA mentioned in this blog has no relations to the Russian brand лада. All occurences and resemblance is purely coincidential, fictional or funny.

Kill Marks on Ladas

It was a cool custom for the fighter plane aces to mark their kills in aerial combat on the hull of their planes during the both World Wars. Below is an american WW2 figter pilot with a number of hits...


Now, this custom is back! You can see some Ladas on Russian streets with such side decals.

Here is an interpretation of this car's history:

-Hit two tractors while bypassing a traffic jam through a sunflower field in Astrahan.
-Crushed a gazelle to pieces near the forest of Brest.
-Drove four times through the Transsiberian Railroad (while there was a rallying train on it)
-Ran upon three bicyclists in Saratov
-Pierced two buses in St.Petersburg

So it is much more easier to learn about the car's killing history before buying a second hand Lada (Note that every Lada is produced as Second Hand..so that nobody is driving a new car! A cool way to assess equality among the soviet nation)

It is also useful to show how fierce and bloody your driving skills are...

(Thanks to EnglishRussia for inspiration)

Lada Advertisement

I think this will boost the sales!!

Bad News: Veyron is sold!

I was blogging here about a Bugatti Veyron that has been brought to showcase in Moscow for prospective customers in Moscow. It is a pity that it was sold yesterday for $ 1,800,000 (a hell of a lot of rubles)...damn

Now a Veyron has a Moscow license plate...cool!

The lucky bastard...but he doesn't know that the car will soon disintegrate on russian roads

For those of you who have no previous knowledge about this car, here is what wikipedia says:

The Bugatti Veyron 16.4 is currently the most powerful, most expensive, and fastest street-legal production car in the world (the very opposite of a Lada), with a proven top speed of over 400 km/h (So the russian owner will reach his dacha in a few seconds) It reached full production in September 2005. The car is built by Volkswagen AG subsidiary Bugatti Automobiles SAS and is sold under the legendary Bugatti marque. It is named after racing driver Pierre Veyron, who won the 24 hours of Le Mans in 1939 while racing for the original Bugatti firm.

Driving, the Russian way

I have mentioned about the traffic before that it is constantly jammed and although the cars and gas are underpriced, you simply cannot drive.

But like in every aspect of life, Russia continues to surprise me everyday in traffic. Being a loyal passenger of the notorious metro, I don't usually witness the atrocities of the Russian drivers but have seen them invading the pavements with their huge Hummers and big SUVs. A friend of mine told me that during a very heavy traffic jam, a clever driver decided to "jump" to the pavement and drove on unnoticing the walking pedestrians. A lot of people just ran away from the course of this madman; but one stood (just as the Chinese student stood facing the tanks in Tienanmen Square). So what would be expected from a civilized driver in this instance? (Actually no civilized person would drive in a pavement anyway)...stop and give way to the pedestrian? No of course! we are in Russia! The driver got out of his car and started beating the obstructing pedestrian...Welcome to the jungle baby!

Another thing that really amazed me is the Russians affinity to buy huge (and sometimes enormous) SUVs. Knowing that the city roads are constantly cleared out of snow, the drivers just need to change their tyres to survive the Russian winter at all. So driving SUVs is not of practical value; but an expensive add-on to your charisma...May God help the ones who need it (and here is a warm greeting to those people who stick "Because I have a small penis" stickers (in russian) to the back of these cars) Very creative indeed...

There is a Hummer graveyard in Moscow.

Sparstuck in Traffic?

I told you before that this would happen...The Spartak Moscow team was stuck in traffic to the Luzhniki Stadium and used the metro to reach it. It is really odd that some of the players used the metro for the first time in Moscow.

I am a CSKA fan but i like Spartak's logo anyway...